So it’s been well over a month since I last blogged here. Sorry to those of you who actually read this blog – which is maybe one or two of you – I doubt I was missed much.
I took a bit of a break..kind of like the TV shows do. Right when things start getting interesting and heating up and the drama begins the unfold…the shows go on hiatus and come back much later after a much awaited explanation for what happened last episode. This is similar to my life the past month or so. I guess I didn’t write because it’s hard to put into words. How do you explain changing from the inside out? How does one put into words something dying inside you and being reborn all at the same time. I haven’t yet figured it out for myself, but when I do – if that ever happens – I will let you all know.
I will leave you with the following thought which I had when I was driving today. Driving is when I do some of my best thinking, it allows me to analyze my life from a distant perspective almost. And this is what I realized today:
Everyone has their reasons for doing anything in life. At some point we have programmed our brains to believe that we’re so damn entitled to know what those reasons are. That’s just it – we are not privileged. We are not special. We’re just people. We have our demons. We have our problems. We carry out actions – all for certain reasons. Sometimes we don’t even understand what those reasons are at the time – so why in the hell would someone else truly think that we are obligated to explain our reasoning to them? Moral of the story? Keep your own damn reasons and I’ll keep mine.
Do you ever wonder how different life would be if we have the power to make time stand still? We could slow down a moment, catch our breath, collect our thoughts, then proceed to live our lives. Sometimes things happen at whirlwind speed and you just want to scream “STOP”, but it doesn’t stop, it doesn’t slow, the world keeps on turning whether you’re ready for the ride or not.
The spinning never ends. You feel the need and want to stop for just a second, take a rest, put life on pause so you can make rational decisions, so you can process what’s happening, so you can plan what you will say…but the decisions become flawed, the process is familiarly confusing, and the words get spit out before our brains have time to realize what is going on.
Life will consume you. It’s anxiety provoking ways can push so heavily on your chest, restrict your breathing, and fog your judgement. Things either happen all at once, or nothing at all..there is no balance. They tell us to try and find our inner peace, but in order to do so we must quiet our minds and follow our hearts. Well our hearts don’t have brains and the beating of it is so loud it makes it heart to concentrate. Life will consume you, it will drown you and make you question which foot to put before the other.
Maybe if time stood still, we could stop running from the answers. We could stop running from ourselves and our demons. If time stood still, maybe the answer would become clear. Maybe the answer would be simply that there is no answer at all…
You are who you are,
We all make decisions every single day. Some are big, some are small. Some are decisions that we don’t even realize we’re making; they almost become a habit. But sometimes, we hit a crossroads and the decision in front of us seems too large to face. You know how some people say to trust your gut? Well what if when we are faced with this crossroads, our gut decides to shut down and run away because it’s so torn? What then? Do we stand still and refuse to decide? Do we take the path that’s lit up nicely and familiar? Or do we take the road less travelled by because the wonder and endless possibility of creating something new intrigues us?
It’s tough, especially when no one else can make the decision for us. Some words people say are comforting, others is just plain annoying, and some we know are right yet we can’t quite get there for ourselves. I feel like life is about the moments of solitude. The moments where we are left alone with our thoughts, where nothing and no one else matters and their opinions and thoughts are feeling don’t interrupt us and don’t weigh in on our decision. What would we do if time, money, feelings, and consequences were no issue? What if we just took out every other factor and what we were left with was what we truly desired. What if to us…that’s not enough.
Life keeps moving, and those things do weigh in on our decisions and we are left right where we started – at a crossroads. Eventually we will all realize one of two things: that sometimes comfort outweighs desire or that potential outweighs comfort. The answer will come to us in the strangest of ways – perhaps on a long fall walk, or at the bottom of a coffee cup. Maybe it’ll be who you think about during the day or what you dream to be at night – either way, the only common denominator is you.
Nothing is set in stone, nothing can’t be reversed and if you find yourself in a position where a mistake so bad was made and you can’t go back..just remember that everything happens for a reason and maybe that was part of the plan. We should continuously be moving forward..maybe only in baby steps but surely not moving back – because the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over again and expecting a different result.
Change your pattern, find your path.
You are who you are,
Beautifully Found…or soon to be