Words

It’s no different than reading your favourite book. You get caught up in the storyline..in how you want the plot to end…you started believing in those characters. But that’s all it is..a story. It’s just a bunch of words strung together that are so nice to escape in for awhile..but they are just words. They aren’t actions, they aren’t real. They tug at your emotions, but at the end of the chapter..they are simply words. They aren’t the bitterness of a freezing winter’s day. They aren’t the warm embrace of a loved one. They aren’t an everlasting kiss you can still feel the next day. They aren’t the butterflies you get when someone stares into your soul. They aren’t an afternoon cuddling with tea and a big blanket. And they sure aren’t the heartache you feel when all you are left with are memories. There aren’t any memories because there wasn’t anything there. I know it may all feel like that…but in reality, they were just words. I think if we maybe just remembered that from time to time…we’d realize it was just like a really good book. It has a beginning, a middle, and a bittersweet end. And that is okay…because that’s what books are for. That’s what words are for. That’s how it’s supposed to be.

It’ll hit you like a ton of bricks..the numbness inside.

A week later and you’re still sitting here more lost and confused than ever…you have no answers and you have no explanation and all that’s left is you alone with your own imagination creating ideas and filling the gaps with excuses and make believe reasoning. Truth is, there is no explanation. There is no closure other than the fact that maybe that is the closure…there is none. You weren’t given an explanation because let’s be serious..nothing you could tell me at this point would suffice. I could counter every single word you could possibly come up with. The fact of the matter is – it sucks. It hurts and is more importantly..disappointing.

It’s tough not knowing. It’s tough being left alone to interpret the entire situation. It all seems like a blur at this point. All the days blend together to form a magnificent period of time in my life. But what do I have to show for it now except for a confused mind and a throbbing heart? I guess it wasn’t supposed to be easy.. I guess it was supposed to teach me something. Granted, I learned a lot but to be quite honest, a lesson wasn’t all I was looking for. But you knew that, and you still left anyways.

So I’ll carry on like I always do. You just gotta pick your shit and your heart off the floor don’t you dare stop moving. Don’t you for one more second let people get the best of you. You chose to give the best of you and he ripped it away like the selfish bastard he is. Keep doing your best anyways. They’ll expect you to give up and be crippled by this experience. I say surprise them… Figure it out. Use this as the propeller that guides your next adventure. Cause after all, that’s what this was…one hell of an adventure.

You are who you are,

Brilliantly Lost

Here and Now

What if we all of a sudden decided to live in the here and now? What if all the planning and the organizing were just thrown out the window and we focused on the moment? How different our lives would be. We could learn to appreciate the little things, the big things, the constant swirl of beautiful confusion around us at the present time and deal with it accordingly.

Maybe we’re not meant to plan every little detail or have it all figured out. Maybe we’re just meant to go with the flow and be spontaneous and do whatever the hell we wanted. It wouldn’t be because we are acting irresponsibly, it would be because we are simply living. We are taking in the beauty and the power of possibility. Plans create restrictions. Stop creating barriers – oceans were built so we can cross them, not to keep us away from the majestic hope of tomorrow.

Believe in love. Believe in fate and serendipity and all of the wonderful things that occur by chance, by opportunity, by seizing the day. Stop worrying. Things will find their way eventually, and if they don’t..something else will change our mind, or our paths, or our hearts. Be open to those possibilities. Grab these opportunities while you have them. If you trap yourself in one mindset and one idea of how things are supposed to be..your life will remain mediocre. Take chances, and jump both feet first. Love with your whole heart and deal with the consequences later. Be mindful but open to free falling. Let life take its course and sit back and enjoy the ride..wherever it may take you ❤

You are who you are,

Brilliantly Lost.

 

Give and Take

There are givers and there are takers.

There are some who take, time and time again, simply because they are greedy and too selfish to give back. May they take their presence elsewhere.There are others who take because their broken spirits have nothing left to give. May they take from the open hearts of others with gratitude and fill their hearts with hope.

Some givers keep on giving from the goodness of their hearts, hoping to mend the broken spirits of others.
Other givers give to disguise their own fear of feeling worthy of taking what other givers have to offer.

Every once in awhile, every so often, you will meet people who balance your give and take so perfectly that the line between the two starts to blend into one.They give all they have in trust that you will not take more than you require and when you reciprocate the giving – they take it with grace, not greed. That my friends, is what we call friendship, beauty, and love. They are three of the same all blended together to form the cycle of give and take.

Thanks to the ones in my life who understand the importance of both. I am grateful for your lessons of showing me it’s okay to be a gracious taker and it is liberating and rewarding being an honest giver. May you take what you need to keep you going and give your love to others when they need it most.

You are who you are,

Beautifully Found (Thanks to the givers in my life)

Frustration hits.

You are so annoying. I know that’s nothing new, but every so often it hits me – you frustrate me like no other. For some reason you get under my skin and I can’t shake you. I wish I could, but I can’t.

You’re devious my dear, you have a way of expressing emotions without ever feeling vulnerable. You have a way of twisted words and moments and feelings so that the other person feels anguish. What the hell is wrong with you? What the hell is wrong with me?
There are only so many excuses I can make for you.

Don’t tell me you’re jealous then not do anything about it. Don’t tell me that you still care and kiss me like you mean it when it doesn’t mean a thing to you at all. I resent you, and I resent myself for believing in you – believing that you’re anything other than a pompous asshole who will only put himself first.

Tell me I’m pretty. Tell me you’re proud of me. Follow through on your words for goodness sakes. I don’t get you. I don’t even think you get you. You’re living in some twisted fantasy of life and you don’t care who you hurt. One night doesn’t change things. I wish it could..but like I’ve always said it’s what happens when the movie moment is over. It would have made a great film, would’ve been a box office hit. But the crowd has cleared, the sun has risen and what now? Does anything change? I can’t keep having these movie moments with you and have nothing come from it. I just can’t. You’re gonna drive me away and I promise you that you will regret it. Everyone else can see it, so why are you so goddamn blind?

I’m sorry she hurt you, I’m sorry she shattered your world into a million pieces. But guess what, just because she ruined you does not mean that you get to terrorize everyone else in your path that cares about you. I shouldn’t have to suffer because you can’t get your shit together. If this is how you are going to act after a movie moment, I’d rather not have any moments with you at all. One day you’ll realize how fucked up all of this is…and when that day comes I will be gone.

You have to change you, I can’t do it for you. Open up, or get out. The choice is yours. Choose wisely.

You are who you are,

Brilliantly Lost.

Mixed emotions

It’s odd, isn’t it? How quickly things can change..at least in your mind. But when you look back, so much time has passed so it’s only natural that you have grown this way.

I look at you and I see a seventeen year old damaged and scared boy who I connected with on such a level I will probably never be able to put into words. But that isn’t right. You have developed into a man, someone with conviction and determination and still so much belief in me, which I usually mistake for something that makes me uneasy. Maybe I never felt deserving of your praise. Maybe I’m scared to get swept away from that indescribable feeling. If it overwhelms me, I run. And you my dear, have overwhelmed me since the day we met.

It’s funny because I tell people that I play it cautious on account of your feelings. I don’t want to hurt you. But maybe, just maybe, it’s me who is scared of the unknown. It’s quite hard to believe that someone who can put such a smile on myself with a few simple words can, in my mind, be overly obsessive and so wrong for me. Maybe it’s me who’s pushing it away, because I fear what may happen if I were to give in. I hate awkward situations, I hate the feeling of butterflies..it only contributes to my anxiety.

So I’ll leave it and we will continue to exchange words and jokes and laughs..you will continue to be the one who I can be myself with. This will go on until the day comes where an amazing girl will come along and learn to appreciate you the way I should. I will kick myself in the ass when that happens but hey, if you’re not ready you’re not ready….right?

Shameful Mornings

I’m annoyed.

I’m upset.

I’m hurt.

I’m disappointed.

I am so many emotions intertwined but yet I am not mad. Not at you at least, at myself – maybe – but not at you. Because you can’t be mad at someone for not wanting you the way you want them too. I had so much faith in you and when you charm me with those hazy blue eyes I become numb and trapped in a world of magic. Time slows, heart speeds up and here I am again – free falling. You never intended to catch me – you didn’t then and you will not now – I’m aware of that.

 

So why is it that I can’t let go? What do you have left to teach me that I don’t already know? You make me hate myself. Not in a physical way – for once – but in an emotional way and I feel that is worse. It’s tough not feeling good enough. I play out the scenario in my head of all the things I want and think I deserve – and sometimes I stop and think, maybe I’m the wrong one. Maybe I’m getting what I give.

I always roll over and wake up the next morning and feel shame. I never did anything wrong, but I feel guilty. As if I cheated on myself, on my own heart, and on the leaps and bounds of progress I had made. That magical world rips my strides away from me and I am back at the start – I’m tired of running when I know there’s no finish line to cross. It’s an endless circle made out to be an obstacle course. You can’t win, you will always lose and usually that’s okay. You fail and you try again – but that’s the problem, I need to let it go, let it breathe and cut my losses.

I’m exhausted on all levels – and truth is, you didn’t think twice.

You are who you are,

Brilliantly Lost