It’ll hit you like a ton of bricks..the numbness inside.

A week later and you’re still sitting here more lost and confused than ever…you have no answers and you have no explanation and all that’s left is you alone with your own imagination creating ideas and filling the gaps with excuses and make believe reasoning. Truth is, there is no explanation. There is no closure other than the fact that maybe that is the closure…there is none. You weren’t given an explanation because let’s be serious..nothing you could tell me at this point would suffice. I could counter every single word you could possibly come up with. The fact of the matter is – it sucks. It hurts and is more importantly..disappointing.

It’s tough not knowing. It’s tough being left alone to interpret the entire situation. It all seems like a blur at this point. All the days blend together to form a magnificent period of time in my life. But what do I have to show for it now except for a confused mind and a throbbing heart? I guess it wasn’t supposed to be easy.. I guess it was supposed to teach me something. Granted, I learned a lot but to be quite honest, a lesson wasn’t all I was looking for. But you knew that, and you still left anyways.

So I’ll carry on like I always do. You just gotta pick your shit and your heart off the floor don’t you dare stop moving. Don’t you for one more second let people get the best of you. You chose to give the best of you and he ripped it away like the selfish bastard he is. Keep doing your best anyways. They’ll expect you to give up and be crippled by this experience. I say surprise them… Figure it out. Use this as the propeller that guides your next adventure. Cause after all, that’s what this was…one hell of an adventure.

You are who you are,

Brilliantly Lost

Shameful Mornings

I’m annoyed.

I’m upset.

I’m hurt.

I’m disappointed.

I am so many emotions intertwined but yet I am not mad. Not at you at least, at myself – maybe – but not at you. Because you can’t be mad at someone for not wanting you the way you want them too. I had so much faith in you and when you charm me with those hazy blue eyes I become numb and trapped in a world of magic. Time slows, heart speeds up and here I am again – free falling. You never intended to catch me – you didn’t then and you will not now – I’m aware of that.

 

So why is it that I can’t let go? What do you have left to teach me that I don’t already know? You make me hate myself. Not in a physical way – for once – but in an emotional way and I feel that is worse. It’s tough not feeling good enough. I play out the scenario in my head of all the things I want and think I deserve – and sometimes I stop and think, maybe I’m the wrong one. Maybe I’m getting what I give.

I always roll over and wake up the next morning and feel shame. I never did anything wrong, but I feel guilty. As if I cheated on myself, on my own heart, and on the leaps and bounds of progress I had made. That magical world rips my strides away from me and I am back at the start – I’m tired of running when I know there’s no finish line to cross. It’s an endless circle made out to be an obstacle course. You can’t win, you will always lose and usually that’s okay. You fail and you try again – but that’s the problem, I need to let it go, let it breathe and cut my losses.

I’m exhausted on all levels – and truth is, you didn’t think twice.

You are who you are,

Brilliantly Lost