It’ll hit you like a ton of bricks..the numbness inside.

A week later and you’re still sitting here more lost and confused than ever…you have no answers and you have no explanation and all that’s left is you alone with your own imagination creating ideas and filling the gaps with excuses and make believe reasoning. Truth is, there is no explanation. There is no closure other than the fact that maybe that is the closure…there is none. You weren’t given an explanation because let’s be serious..nothing you could tell me at this point would suffice. I could counter every single word you could possibly come up with. The fact of the matter is – it sucks. It hurts and is more importantly..disappointing.

It’s tough not knowing. It’s tough being left alone to interpret the entire situation. It all seems like a blur at this point. All the days blend together to form a magnificent period of time in my life. But what do I have to show for it now except for a confused mind and a throbbing heart? I guess it wasn’t supposed to be easy.. I guess it was supposed to teach me something. Granted, I learned a lot but to be quite honest, a lesson wasn’t all I was looking for. But you knew that, and you still left anyways.

So I’ll carry on like I always do. You just gotta pick your shit and your heart off the floor don’t you dare stop moving. Don’t you for one more second let people get the best of you. You chose to give the best of you and he ripped it away like the selfish bastard he is. Keep doing your best anyways. They’ll expect you to give up and be crippled by this experience. I say surprise them… Figure it out. Use this as the propeller that guides your next adventure. Cause after all, that’s what this was…one hell of an adventure.

You are who you are,

Brilliantly Lost

Frustration hits.

You are so annoying. I know that’s nothing new, but every so often it hits me – you frustrate me like no other. For some reason you get under my skin and I can’t shake you. I wish I could, but I can’t.

You’re devious my dear, you have a way of expressing emotions without ever feeling vulnerable. You have a way of twisted words and moments and feelings so that the other person feels anguish. What the hell is wrong with you? What the hell is wrong with me?
There are only so many excuses I can make for you.

Don’t tell me you’re jealous then not do anything about it. Don’t tell me that you still care and kiss me like you mean it when it doesn’t mean a thing to you at all. I resent you, and I resent myself for believing in you – believing that you’re anything other than a pompous asshole who will only put himself first.

Tell me I’m pretty. Tell me you’re proud of me. Follow through on your words for goodness sakes. I don’t get you. I don’t even think you get you. You’re living in some twisted fantasy of life and you don’t care who you hurt. One night doesn’t change things. I wish it could..but like I’ve always said it’s what happens when the movie moment is over. It would have made a great film, would’ve been a box office hit. But the crowd has cleared, the sun has risen and what now? Does anything change? I can’t keep having these movie moments with you and have nothing come from it. I just can’t. You’re gonna drive me away and I promise you that you will regret it. Everyone else can see it, so why are you so goddamn blind?

I’m sorry she hurt you, I’m sorry she shattered your world into a million pieces. But guess what, just because she ruined you does not mean that you get to terrorize everyone else in your path that cares about you. I shouldn’t have to suffer because you can’t get your shit together. If this is how you are going to act after a movie moment, I’d rather not have any moments with you at all. One day you’ll realize how fucked up all of this is…and when that day comes I will be gone.

You have to change you, I can’t do it for you. Open up, or get out. The choice is yours. Choose wisely.

You are who you are,

Brilliantly Lost.

Mixed emotions

It’s odd, isn’t it? How quickly things can change..at least in your mind. But when you look back, so much time has passed so it’s only natural that you have grown this way.

I look at you and I see a seventeen year old damaged and scared boy who I connected with on such a level I will probably never be able to put into words. But that isn’t right. You have developed into a man, someone with conviction and determination and still so much belief in me, which I usually mistake for something that makes me uneasy. Maybe I never felt deserving of your praise. Maybe I’m scared to get swept away from that indescribable feeling. If it overwhelms me, I run. And you my dear, have overwhelmed me since the day we met.

It’s funny because I tell people that I play it cautious on account of your feelings. I don’t want to hurt you. But maybe, just maybe, it’s me who is scared of the unknown. It’s quite hard to believe that someone who can put such a smile on myself with a few simple words can, in my mind, be overly obsessive and so wrong for me. Maybe it’s me who’s pushing it away, because I fear what may happen if I were to give in. I hate awkward situations, I hate the feeling of butterflies..it only contributes to my anxiety.

So I’ll leave it and we will continue to exchange words and jokes and laughs..you will continue to be the one who I can be myself with. This will go on until the day comes where an amazing girl will come along and learn to appreciate you the way I should. I will kick myself in the ass when that happens but hey, if you’re not ready you’re not ready….right?