So it’s been well over a month since I last blogged here. Sorry to those of you who actually read this blog – which is maybe one or two of you – I doubt I was missed much.
I took a bit of a break..kind of like the TV shows do. Right when things start getting interesting and heating up and the drama begins the unfold…the shows go on hiatus and come back much later after a much awaited explanation for what happened last episode. This is similar to my life the past month or so. I guess I didn’t write because it’s hard to put into words. How do you explain changing from the inside out? How does one put into words something dying inside you and being reborn all at the same time. I haven’t yet figured it out for myself, but when I do – if that ever happens – I will let you all know.
I will leave you with the following thought which I had when I was driving today. Driving is when I do some of my best thinking, it allows me to analyze my life from a distant perspective almost. And this is what I realized today:
Everyone has their reasons for doing anything in life. At some point we have programmed our brains to believe that we’re so damn entitled to know what those reasons are. That’s just it – we are not privileged. We are not special. We’re just people. We have our demons. We have our problems. We carry out actions – all for certain reasons. Sometimes we don’t even understand what those reasons are at the time – so why in the hell would someone else truly think that we are obligated to explain our reasoning to them? Moral of the story? Keep your own damn reasons and I’ll keep mine.
It’s odd, isn’t it? How quickly things can change..at least in your mind. But when you look back, so much time has passed so it’s only natural that you have grown this way.
I look at you and I see a seventeen year old damaged and scared boy who I connected with on such a level I will probably never be able to put into words. But that isn’t right. You have developed into a man, someone with conviction and determination and still so much belief in me, which I usually mistake for something that makes me uneasy. Maybe I never felt deserving of your praise. Maybe I’m scared to get swept away from that indescribable feeling. If it overwhelms me, I run. And you my dear, have overwhelmed me since the day we met.
It’s funny because I tell people that I play it cautious on account of your feelings. I don’t want to hurt you. But maybe, just maybe, it’s me who is scared of the unknown. It’s quite hard to believe that someone who can put such a smile on myself with a few simple words can, in my mind, be overly obsessive and so wrong for me. Maybe it’s me who’s pushing it away, because I fear what may happen if I were to give in. I hate awkward situations, I hate the feeling of butterflies..it only contributes to my anxiety.
So I’ll leave it and we will continue to exchange words and jokes and laughs..you will continue to be the one who I can be myself with. This will go on until the day comes where an amazing girl will come along and learn to appreciate you the way I should. I will kick myself in the ass when that happens but hey, if you’re not ready you’re not ready….right?
I am so many emotions intertwined but yet I am not mad. Not at you at least, at myself – maybe – but not at you. Because you can’t be mad at someone for not wanting you the way you want them too. I had so much faith in you and when you charm me with those hazy blue eyes I become numb and trapped in a world of magic. Time slows, heart speeds up and here I am again – free falling. You never intended to catch me – you didn’t then and you will not now – I’m aware of that.
So why is it that I can’t let go? What do you have left to teach me that I don’t already know? You make me hate myself. Not in a physical way – for once – but in an emotional way and I feel that is worse. It’s tough not feeling good enough. I play out the scenario in my head of all the things I want and think I deserve – and sometimes I stop and think, maybe I’m the wrong one. Maybe I’m getting what I give.
I always roll over and wake up the next morning and feel shame. I never did anything wrong, but I feel guilty. As if I cheated on myself, on my own heart, and on the leaps and bounds of progress I had made. That magical world rips my strides away from me and I am back at the start – I’m tired of running when I know there’s no finish line to cross. It’s an endless circle made out to be an obstacle course. You can’t win, you will always lose and usually that’s okay. You fail and you try again – but that’s the problem, I need to let it go, let it breathe and cut my losses.
I’m exhausted on all levels – and truth is, you didn’t think twice.
You are who you are,