Give and Take

There are givers and there are takers.

There are some who take, time and time again, simply because they are greedy and too selfish to give back. May they take their presence elsewhere.There are others who take because their broken spirits have nothing left to give. May they take from the open hearts of others with gratitude and fill their hearts with hope.

Some givers keep on giving from the goodness of their hearts, hoping to mend the broken spirits of others.
Other givers give to disguise their own fear of feeling worthy of taking what other givers have to offer.

Every once in awhile, every so often, you will meet people who balance your give and take so perfectly that the line between the two starts to blend into one.They give all they have in trust that you will not take more than you require and when you reciprocate the giving – they take it with grace, not greed. That my friends, is what we call friendship, beauty, and love. They are three of the same all blended together to form the cycle of give and take.

Thanks to the ones in my life who understand the importance of both. I am grateful for your lessons of showing me it’s okay to be a gracious taker and it is liberating and rewarding being an honest giver. May you take what you need to keep you going and give your love to others when they need it most.

You are who you are,

Beautifully Found (Thanks to the givers in my life)

Slow it down.
Put the demons to rest

Let positivity engulf your soul,
while untrained smiles dance around

Sleep it off.
Dreams will find their way

Coldness sets in.
A fire fueled is weakened.

Exhaustion steps up.
Rest again until tomorrow.

 

Speed it up,
let the demons dance.

Positivity is lost;
So we seek the forcible smiles.

Sleep is for the weakened,
as dreams have long faded.

Feel the provoking heat;
the fire has fueled its way.

Exhaustion can’t compete,
rest has no place here.

If Time Stood Still

Do you ever wonder how different life would be if we have the power to make time stand still? We could slow down a moment, catch our breath, collect our thoughts, then proceed to live our lives. Sometimes things happen at whirlwind speed and you just want to scream “STOP”, but it doesn’t stop, it doesn’t slow, the world keeps on turning whether you’re ready for the ride or not.

The spinning never ends. You feel the need and want to stop for just a second, take a rest, put life on pause so you can make rational decisions, so you can process what’s happening, so you can plan what you will say…but the decisions become flawed, the process is familiarly confusing, and the words get spit out before our brains have time to realize what is going on.

Life will consume you. It’s anxiety provoking ways can push so heavily on your chest, restrict your breathing, and fog your judgement. Things either happen all at once, or nothing at all..there is no balance. They tell us to try and find our inner peace, but in order to do so we must quiet our minds and follow our hearts. Well our hearts don’t have brains and the beating of it is so loud it makes it heart to concentrate. Life will consume you, it will drown you and make you question which foot to put before the other.

Maybe if time stood still, we could stop running from the answers. We could stop running from ourselves and our demons. If time stood still, maybe the answer would become clear. Maybe the answer would be simply that there is no answer at all…

You are who you are,

Brilliantly Lost

Frustration hits.

You are so annoying. I know that’s nothing new, but every so often it hits me – you frustrate me like no other. For some reason you get under my skin and I can’t shake you. I wish I could, but I can’t.

You’re devious my dear, you have a way of expressing emotions without ever feeling vulnerable. You have a way of twisted words and moments and feelings so that the other person feels anguish. What the hell is wrong with you? What the hell is wrong with me?
There are only so many excuses I can make for you.

Don’t tell me you’re jealous then not do anything about it. Don’t tell me that you still care and kiss me like you mean it when it doesn’t mean a thing to you at all. I resent you, and I resent myself for believing in you – believing that you’re anything other than a pompous asshole who will only put himself first.

Tell me I’m pretty. Tell me you’re proud of me. Follow through on your words for goodness sakes. I don’t get you. I don’t even think you get you. You’re living in some twisted fantasy of life and you don’t care who you hurt. One night doesn’t change things. I wish it could..but like I’ve always said it’s what happens when the movie moment is over. It would have made a great film, would’ve been a box office hit. But the crowd has cleared, the sun has risen and what now? Does anything change? I can’t keep having these movie moments with you and have nothing come from it. I just can’t. You’re gonna drive me away and I promise you that you will regret it. Everyone else can see it, so why are you so goddamn blind?

I’m sorry she hurt you, I’m sorry she shattered your world into a million pieces. But guess what, just because she ruined you does not mean that you get to terrorize everyone else in your path that cares about you. I shouldn’t have to suffer because you can’t get your shit together. If this is how you are going to act after a movie moment, I’d rather not have any moments with you at all. One day you’ll realize how fucked up all of this is…and when that day comes I will be gone.

You have to change you, I can’t do it for you. Open up, or get out. The choice is yours. Choose wisely.

You are who you are,

Brilliantly Lost.

Crossroads.

We all make decisions every single day. Some are big, some are small. Some are decisions that we don’t even realize we’re making; they almost become a habit. But sometimes, we hit a crossroads and the decision in front of us seems too large to face. You know how some people say to trust your gut? Well what if when we are faced with this crossroads, our gut decides to shut down and run away because it’s so torn? What then? Do we stand still and refuse to decide? Do we take the path that’s lit up nicely and familiar? Or do we take the road less travelled by because the wonder and endless possibility of creating something new intrigues us?

It’s tough, especially when no one else can make the decision for us. Some words people say are comforting, others is just plain annoying, and some we know are right yet we can’t quite get there for ourselves. I feel like life is about the moments of solitude. The moments where we are left alone with our thoughts, where nothing and no one else matters and their opinions and thoughts are feeling don’t interrupt us and don’t weigh in on our decision. What would we do if time, money, feelings, and consequences were no issue? What if we just took out every other factor and what we were left with was what we truly desired. What if to us…that’s not enough.

Life keeps moving, and those things do weigh in on our decisions and we are left right where we started – at a crossroads. Eventually we will all realize one of two things: that sometimes comfort outweighs desire or that potential outweighs comfort. The answer will come to us in the strangest of ways – perhaps on a long fall walk, or at the bottom of a coffee cup. Maybe it’ll be who you think about during the day or what you dream to be at night – either way, the only common denominator is you.

Nothing is set in stone, nothing can’t be reversed and if you find yourself in a position where a mistake so bad was made and you can’t go back..just remember that everything happens for a reason and maybe that was part of the plan. We should continuously be moving forward..maybe only in baby steps but surely not moving back – because the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over again and expecting a different result.

Change your pattern, find your path.

You are who you are,

Beautifully Found…or soon to be

Stay tuned.

I’m just very unhappy. And it’s no one’s fault but my own really, and even then I wouldn’t really say that it’s my fault. It just..is what it is.

I’m unhappy physically, I’m unhappy emotionally. Spiritually..well who gives a fuck about that really? I stopped believing in a higher power a long time ago to be honest and I doubt I’ll ever get that back.

It’s time for change. Not a monumental change all at once..but little changes in my day to day life that will add up eventually. It’s time to get healthy and be happy.

Stay tuned.

Exhaustion.

It’s really exhausting you know..being this sad all the time.

Sometimes you find yourself smiling, but like clockwork..the sadness creeps in and you realize it never left – it has always lingered.
It’s not even loneliness..that’s not what I would call it. It’s and overbearing sadness that washes over you and leaves your heart aching. You want to cry but no tears fall, because you are just so exhausted. You are so tired of being sad, you are so tired of hating yourself for being so sad, you are tired of it not getting better.

It feeling less heavy during the day for a few hours is NOT it getting better. It’s putting it off, not getting to the root of the problem. Depression is a wicked thing. It consumes you. Happiness doesn’t seem like a sunny day..happiness in an anxiety driven world looks like survival. If you get out of bed in the morning without crumbling to the ground…that is progress, that is what your happy day looks like. I’m tired of that. I want more. I want to be more and reach more and do more and just be someone who sees happiness as mountains and smiles and laughter and true body tingling happiness instead of this hell I’m living in now.

It’s exhausting getting through the day. Counting the minutes until it’s over. The obstacles never stop coming. The problems never cease. You can’t ever catch a break. They say to make the most of it..but really, the most isn’t much.

You are who you are,

Brilliantly Lost