Mixed emotions

It’s odd, isn’t it? How quickly things can change..at least in your mind. But when you look back, so much time has passed so it’s only natural that you have grown this way.

I look at you and I see a seventeen year old damaged and scared boy who I connected with on such a level I will probably never be able to put into words. But that isn’t right. You have developed into a man, someone with conviction and determination and still so much belief in me, which I usually mistake for something that makes me uneasy. Maybe I never felt deserving of your praise. Maybe I’m scared to get swept away from that indescribable feeling. If it overwhelms me, I run. And you my dear, have overwhelmed me since the day we met.

It’s funny because I tell people that I play it cautious on account of your feelings. I don’t want to hurt you. But maybe, just maybe, it’s me who is scared of the unknown. It’s quite hard to believe that someone who can put such a smile on myself with a few simple words can, in my mind, be overly obsessive and so wrong for me. Maybe it’s me who’s pushing it away, because I fear what may happen if I were to give in. I hate awkward situations, I hate the feeling of butterflies..it only contributes to my anxiety.

So I’ll leave it and we will continue to exchange words and jokes and laughs..you will continue to be the one who I can be myself with. This will go on until the day comes where an amazing girl will come along and learn to appreciate you the way I should. I will kick myself in the ass when that happens but hey, if you’re not ready you’re not ready….right?

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