I am so many emotions intertwined but yet I am not mad. Not at you at least, at myself – maybe – but not at you. Because you can’t be mad at someone for not wanting you the way you want them too. I had so much faith in you and when you charm me with those hazy blue eyes I become numb and trapped in a world of magic. Time slows, heart speeds up and here I am again – free falling. You never intended to catch me – you didn’t then and you will not now – I’m aware of that.
So why is it that I can’t let go? What do you have left to teach me that I don’t already know? You make me hate myself. Not in a physical way – for once – but in an emotional way and I feel that is worse. It’s tough not feeling good enough. I play out the scenario in my head of all the things I want and think I deserve – and sometimes I stop and think, maybe I’m the wrong one. Maybe I’m getting what I give.
I always roll over and wake up the next morning and feel shame. I never did anything wrong, but I feel guilty. As if I cheated on myself, on my own heart, and on the leaps and bounds of progress I had made. That magical world rips my strides away from me and I am back at the start – I’m tired of running when I know there’s no finish line to cross. It’s an endless circle made out to be an obstacle course. You can’t win, you will always lose and usually that’s okay. You fail and you try again – but that’s the problem, I need to let it go, let it breathe and cut my losses.
I’m exhausted on all levels – and truth is, you didn’t think twice.
You are who you are,